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Notes from the Flightline….

Jun 7

In Rants, Travels at 10:46pm


Man it was rough at Kennedy. I mean, it’s never easy at that nexus of sweat, angst, nerves and fatigue nestled near the Brooklyn shoreline. It’s a classic case of way too many of the frayed, obnoxious and demanding being serviced by way too few of the disinterested and disgruntled.

The cafeteria line was really long, made longer by people demanding specialty food alterations that really didn’t have a prayer of making anything that had been baking under glass for several hours in the noxious JFK terminal air taste any better.

One of the guys slinging food behind the counter did a quick, mostly covert move and appeared to get his finger so far up his nose as to indicate there might have been something truly valuable up there, but, ahhh, relief, he turned around and put on gloves. Thank goodness….with the motley and colorful variety of pizzas served there it would be tough to pick out a booger.

I got stuck behind two pleasant ladies who insisted on debating the various tantalizing merits of almost every offering, but then got themselves one slice of cheese pizza to split and moved forward. I was right behind them at the register when they sparked a lively debate with the cashier about getting the pizza/salad combo price and were informed the discount didn’t apply to a piece of plain cheese pie.

It was all cordial and chummy, but it took several minutes to agree to the ala carte pricing. And then! Drumroll please! The search for the wallet begins! Both of these ladies had shoulder bags the size of say, a large turkey. They were both crafted in that puffy, fabric-y style that looked like they were stitched together from the also rans at last year’s county fair quilting contest. Colorful is the kindest word I can find at this writing.

Eventually, the wallets were found, and the aforementioned pizza was bought. Why do women do that? Wait for the cashier to tell them the total and have a hand out before they in turn reach for the dough? I mean, they hadda zip open these bags and begin a rummage that would make the search for the holy frikkin’ grail look as easy as a connect the dots game on a Denny’s placemat.

I would not have put my hand inside one of these bags. The innards were spilling out and looked a bit reminiscent of that plant in Little Shop of Horrors. I was waiting for one of them to belch “Feed me!” in guttural tones. I’m surprised these women had all their fingers.

See, men don’t do that. They belly up to the counter, $20 in hand, and just fork it over. Like Robin Williams says, you get your McBurger and fries, grab your McChange and get the McFuck outta there. Maybe it’s cause we all remember our first illegal beer bought at a bar and we had no idea what it was gonna cost so we had a twenty ready to go so as not to get embarrassed by having to fish out some extra dough on the spot. Dunno. Might be genetic. Might be that chromosome right next to the one that causes Male Refrigerator Blindness.

Back to the ladies. Oh, we’re not done!  They also asked for cokes with lots of ice cause they had just got back from Europe, and you know, “In Europe, they just don’t serve anything with ice! I mean, really! They drink their soda warm! Can you imagine? And you can’t get tap water anywhere, it’s all in bottles, they cost like $6 each! I tell you, we’re glad to be back in America!”

And by golly, we’re glad to have you back…

I got on the plane and was seated next to someone who was part of a group that couldn’t get seats together so they were shouting to each other over the aisles. Pleasant. My neighbor allowed in a loud voice as he probably shouldn’t have just had those 4 beers. It was a swell flight. More tk…..

56 Responses to “Notes from the Flightline….”

Andy MacDougall says:

on June 11, 2009 at 7:48 pm

Great stuff Joe, loved the pizza booger bit !

As for the turkey bags – My lord the lady doth protesteth too much. They all do it, it’s pre-programmed, take everything they could possibly need for any eventuality !

Andy

Susan says:

on June 13, 2009 at 9:15 am

LOL! Thanks for the morning chuckle!

Bruce says:

on June 14, 2009 at 2:31 pm

Re the lady paying: I once explained the difference between men and women to my two teenage daughters: a woman will stand at the front of a long line and count out three dollars in change, penny by penny. A man will give a $5 bill and throw the coins in a jar when he gets home at the end of the day. A woman will carry enough change to weigh down a Buick in a tornado. A man won’t carry change because it makes his pockets jingle and his pants sag.

Air jordans says:

on June 16, 2009 at 3:59 am

Great post! I like it!

Malinda H says:

on June 16, 2009 at 5:58 pm

Not ALL girls have bags like that. I personally have money in hand on the way to the register 99% of the time…. but if i see you in line, i may just hafta play “girlie!”
: )

jakob says:

on June 16, 2009 at 6:37 pm

Great post, great writing, sounds like Joe!

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